If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in
mind to blame.
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
You were looking good from afar.. now you’re far from looking
Learn from your parents’ mistakes, use birth control!
The universe is laughing behind your back.
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying
those of us who do.
Are you thinking what I’m thinking that I think that you’re
thinking I’m thinking because if you think that I think what I think I’m
thinking then we’ve got a problem?
Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.
I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it
will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Love your enemies.. it pisses them off.
The human race is lucky I’m a nice guy, otherwise only 1/4
of them would be alive right now.
A paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover
everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel
ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be
out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It
is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish
and worry about my liver.”
If you plugged your nose and your mouth while you sneezed,
would it come out of your ears or would your head explode?
Life is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.