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STEPHEN WRIGHT’S DEADPAN HUMOR

Here are some Stephen Wright quotes: – some old, some I have never seen… always funny!!!!

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

So, what’s the speed of dark?

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, “The whole time.”

How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

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