Here are some Stephen Wright quotes: – some old, some I have never seen… always funny!!!!
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
So, what’s the speed of dark?
Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, “The whole time.”
How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?