Quotes to ponder

 Sometimes, when I look at my children,

I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’

–   Lillian Carter 

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’

– Eleanor Roosevelt   

Last week, I stated this woman was

the ugliest woman I had ever seen.

I have since been visited by her sister,

and now wish to withdraw that statement..  

– Mark Twain 

The secret of a good sermon is to have

a good beginning and a good ending;

and to have the two as close together as possible 

– George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea.

Visit people only once a year.

– Victor Borge 

Be careful about reading health books.

You may die of a misprint.

– Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

– Socrates 

I was married by a judge.

I should have asked for a jury.

– Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

-Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

– Zsa Zsa Gabor  

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass

all four essential food groups:

alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

– Alex Levine

 My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

– Rodney Dangerfield

Money can’t buy you happiness …. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. 

– Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

– Joe Namath

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.

– Bob Hope   

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

– W. C. Fields 

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.  

– Will Rogers  

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation.

As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty …

But everything else starts to wear out,

fall out, or spread out…

– Phyllis Diller 

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.

– Billy Crystal   

And the cardiologist’ s diet: 

If it tastes good, spit it out!

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