Core beliefs Life Skills

Ok, You have value – do you act like you do?

We’ve arrived at a point where we say we have value, but my question to you is… do you act like you have value?  This is not about being cocky or ego eccentric… this is about claiming your “space”…  It is about setting boundaries – boundaries that are right for YOU…  No one else can set boundaries for you, only you will know what is right for you. 

As I have repeatedly said, value is an issue I have been dealing with – starting out when I was very young with my mom (because of a brain tumor which took “out” her short term memory) never really “bonded” with me… so early on, I had a core belief of not having value (how could I?).  I tried very hard not to “rattle” any cages and behave in such a way that I would be “allowed” to stay here.  I remember begging God “not to make me die”.  I am not saying this to get any sympathy or empathy from you.. just stating facts about how a core belief could affect a person. 

I would always go to the back of any line – making sure everyone was taken care of – from getting drinks at a water fountain to lunch lines… this behavior wasn’t so folks would like me, it was because they deserved to eat and drink before me.  I am not saying this for sympathy or empathy… do please do not try to psychoanalyze me.  I just didn’t have a “place”. 

Things came to a head a couple of years ago when I was taking some sort of a seminar (the name and actual content escapes me – which really doesn’t matter anyway)… about releasing emotions, etc.  The seminar was held in the evenings from 5 until 1 or 2 in the morning… as discussions took place, I would wait patiently for my “turn” to talk… never, of course, letting anyone know I wanted to talk.  Folks kept yammering away, often butting in on each other.  As I drove home each evening, I would break into tears and feel, oh so sorry for myself.  On the final night of class (I think 7th day)… we had a class “graduation”… where we were to bring something to “gift” another class member.  It was supposed to be the most precious thing we owned…;  something that meant a great deal to each individual.  This was NOT to be symbolic, but actual.  I took out and wrapped a locket that my dad gave to me that my mother (who died when I was four) had owned.  There were photos of both my mom and dad (who died when I was 18) in the locket.  It was the most precious things I possessed.

That evening I was chosen to distribute the gifts to the group.  Yes, me… the one who hadn’t had a turn….  I spend a lot of time giving each gift to the person I thought it should go to… I gave my gift to a young man who had just lost his mom…  When I opened my “gift”… last… (Again, I was last) I opened up a lump of coal… yes, really … a lump of coal. I burst into tears, but the teacher pointed out that I did this to myself… I got what I deserved… but in reality… what I thought I deserved…. Since then, I have been “working” on value… value of self.  If I don’t speak up for myself, I am not a very good model to show others to speak for themselves, am I?  If you don’t value YOU… then why should anyone else?  So, how are you doing with this “value of self” issue?

Pretty heavy talking for so early in the morning… think I need some fortitude… coffee????  Now, that is somewhere I have lots of value.. I really do make GOOD coffee!!!!

Tomorrow I’m going to talk about “pies”… folks that perceive themselves as a “pie”.

5 thoughts on “Ok, You have value – do you act like you do?”

  1. Thanks for your honest share Diane. Growing up in an alcoholic family, there was no warmth, emotional nurturing, connection and I had to find my nitch so that I could survive. I chose to excel, be a straight A student and one of the smartest….I am smart but I thought I had to prove it and it was a great defense against getting abused..If I did every thing right. But, inside, I was not rich but poor as I would stand on the outside of life and watch others. Joining in was not acceptable. Too risky and being accepted and nurtured was not something I knew much about and if I did step actively into the world, I would have to deal with all the pain around that. shame was my constant friend.

    There is some residual self-esteem issues about being acknowledged by others as valuable and I am very aware of it as it comes up but it is certainly not the norm.

  2. When I read your blog this morning I immediately was struck that diamonds can be by products of the certain conditions related to compressed/pressurized and heated coal.
    I then googled an article by a US Dept. Of Energy scientist who explained the close similarity of conditions that determine the delineation between coal and diamonds.Very interesting article!
    So my take Diane is that what the coal represented at that workshop is that you were ” a diamond” and not a piece of coal.Waiting for conditions to alchemize the transformation!!!

  3. I have never wanted to be noticed. I have always wanted to be working in the “props”, in the supporting roles. Attention is something I “deal” with and get uncomfortable with.
    I am still working on the whole value issue. I judge myself, I know the parts of me that want something else, for reasons I don’t understand. I judge those parts to be non-conforming and at times bad. I haven’t been able to work them through.
    But I agree, value and respect, and love must start with yourself. If you can’t value yourself, why should anyone else.
    Which is why I get so surprised when other people do.
    In truth, I have been much better able to appreciate my value recently. I still have a long ways to go.
    Reading your entries helps me understand that this is a process, and we have to work through it, and everyone has their challenges and it takes work to get through it.
    Back to the journal I think.

  4. I think there is a difference between knowing you have value and being willing to show it. My issue is more similar to JoelS, I’m in hiding — from everyone (maybe even me). 🙂

  5. I think I have to paste this one to my forehead. I am doing so much better in some areas, but in a couple real basic ones…Like I said, I need to paste this one to my forehead. I remember after receiving the Reiki Attunements from you, that it was a huge step for me to have “Reiki Master” printed on my cards. I knew I was going to have to explain it, but my natural tendency is to be more like Joel: behind the scenes, to the point of being anonymous. It was a step that was totally about me, one that I think needed to be done at that time. Now if I can just get past the issue I have with money.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *