Each of the past 5 mornings… after I had made a commitment to write on this blog every day, I “rack” my brain to figure out what I am going to write about. I don’t get up and immediately start writing… I get up, ride the bike – and let my mind wander over all sorts of “topics”… I am the sort of person who tries very hard to control my environment, control my actions, and control my thoughts… generally “thinking” I am creating my “world”. You’d think after soooo many years, I’d figure it out… I write about “finding” oneself all the time, but, alas, it is really time to “find” “self”. Have I spent enough time – REALLY – finding out who I am… or do I rely on what others think of me and try to fit into that mold? Do I spend an inordinate amount of time listening to the “outside of me” instead of the “inner workings” of me? Judgy, judgy, judgy…. But is it others judgment of me… or me judging what I perceive others are thinking of me… changing my behaviors to what I perceive “they” will approve of – so I will “fit” in? Do I even accept me? You’ve probably figured it out by now… nope, I don’t. I always think I am “a work” in progress. So, I will do what I have told many, many, many of you to do… make a list of who you are… who you really are.. the goods, the bads, the “just is”s. Do it without judgment. Go to the neutral place within .. then start writing. Perhaps, making a statement or two along the way. I will start this on this blog this morning, but, by no means, will finish it… this will be a work in progress – BUT, this time I will do it. First of all… I am female… (that was easy)… I love to read, but like to know the endings of the book I am reading. I make this one of the first issues I write about myself because I know it drives others crazy when I look at the end of movies before I watch them or read the ending of books before I read them. My thoughts … why spend the time reading a book or watching a movie if it doesn’t end right? That doesn’t mean everything is lovey dovey… it just means a satisfying ending. You’d think (see – am I still looking outside… oh well, ) I would only like romantic books or movies… while I do really enjoy romantic comedies… pure romance bores me to death… I love action movies and books… I love mysteries (the real “who done its”)… but want to know they ended, I really don’t like sci fi or fantasy, although if Sean (my son) talks me through them, I can read or watch those “flicks”. (I “see” so much of sci fi and “fantasy” in my daily life – yep, another ME – I “see” alternate realities), that spending my leisure time bringing the alternative universes into my 3rddimensional world gets to be too much) -So do you judge me for that? Breathe, breathe, breathe…. You probably don’t care, do you? You might think it is strange, but I now realize that you are entitled to your thoughts and opinions and I have the opportunity to embrace that part of me. See I am a work in progress…. I really do not like animation… did that one hit you in the gut? My kids used to have to sneak to watch cartoons when they were little. I didn’t care if they watched them, I just didn’t want to be in the room when any of that “stuff” was on. Again – strange? I really didn’t judge them for wanting to watch animation.. I still don’t. (Good thing because, again, they get to do what they get to do… and Sean especially loves anime). I really hate gaming… I really don’t care if anyone else does it, but I don’t like computer games, board games or card games. I don’t mind watching, but don’t like to participate. I know deep down that others really don’t care… but I sit in judgment.. thinking others think something is wrong with me. I am also working on that. All in all, the fact I don’t like gaming… I enjoy watching G4 shows on TV…. A package of contradictions… Think I am done with this for now – certainly not done – but I think my coffee is ready… how are you doing with your list? (..and for you grammar purists… this blog is entirely “free form” written… and for now, that is ok with me….you “get” to get over it… oh, am I still being judgy?) Hmmmmm here Loren is with coffee – I am really truly grateful – yum!